I DO NOT blend in, I DO NOT belong, and I couldn’t care less. I finally stopped caring about “being crazy”.
The cashier at Wawa today goes “Do you work in customer service?” It was really funny, to me, seeing as I’m wandering in the world today wearing my favorite tshirt – cats shaped into a skull.
I laughed, “No, why?” He goes “You are the nicest person – you looked at me and smiled and are just so friendly. I figured you have to be in customer service.” I started laughing, and I replied, “Dude, I’ve had so many people be a dickbag to me, that I generally try to be as nice as I can to every person I meet.” I told him to have an awesome day, and I went on my way, blasting metal and dancing in my car.
As I drove, all I saw were miserable faces on cell phones. I noticed a few people looking at me with interesting looks on their faces. I experience this pretty often. Dancing in my car is my jam. I have been obsessed with music since I was a kid, and my first love has always been metal, but everything except country is fair game.
Point in all this rambling is – in my opinion, I’m boring. I find it depressing to think a cashier was complimentary of me for the stunning concept of acknowledging him as a human being, and not a meatsicle whose sole purpose in life is ringing up my iced tea and cigarettes. I realize, though, the coolest people in the world are the people who get treated like shit and choose not to return the favor.
It is cool that I can be what I am. Forgiveness, kindness, and compassion have always been a strong suit, just not to myself. I am very good at getting over things now, because I’ve finally realized it is not worth my energy to be miserable. I’ve apologized for me being me for too long. I finally, truly, love myself too much for that nonsense. Be Water is my reminder. No judgement or fear of myself or others, and no pushing, either. I have spent my whole life pushing, and I am tired of it. I want to be here, and I am in love with the universe. I am a drop in the ocean, and the ocean is in me.
It took almost killing myself to gain that perspective. One month ago today, I was in my car. I do not know if I fell asleep or what, but all I know is that in, what felt like a blink, I was swerving to avoid going 60mph into a street sign and a telephone pole. For twenty years, my brain has wanted to die, and for twenty years, I did not listen. I thought the promise I made before to my kids was enough to keep me from killing myself. I finally realized that no amount of love I have for another will be enough, if I do not love myself.
I am on doctor’s orders to rest, relax, and now, STOP THINKING. I am improving, because I am completely and totally sick of myself at this point. I’m FINALLY coming out of isolation, and I’m finally speaking openly again. Meditation, Mindfulness, and Nature have gotten me here. My constant study of the Buddha has helped me understand the true nature of love. I can’t say it’s the Lithium, I’ve only been on it 1 week. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been breathing for the first time in months.
I’m happy to be here. It’s very easy to adopt a positive lifestyle and mentality when 30 days ago, you almost killed yourself and left your three kids motherless. It’s easy to put everything behind you when you realized that holding on to misery almost killed you. I see the Yin Yang in my life – I’ve always sought the light in the darkness. I’ve always believed I could overcome anything and everything. I’ve always believed I could make every dream I had come true. That very notion is what has kept me alive. One month ago, I received one hell of a wake up call, and I finally believe I am loved. Without the belief I deserve love, I suffered. I’m too incredible of a woman to let anyone dim my shine, and I don’t need anyone to tell me otherwise. They say who you give your power to is your higher power/God, and feeling like shit about myself is not my higher power.
No one will make me lower my head in shame again. I don’t need to be told there are too many reasons for me to keep going, nor have I ever. When you have lived with a death-wish since you were 14? When you spent 2 years actively trying to passively commit suicide? Every step I take is brave, and every smile and ounce of love I receive and give is a blessing. I just cannot fathom a trajectory other than up, when a month ago, I almost went 6 feet down.
Not me – I’ll just dance in my car.