Power

What does power evoke in you? A slight thrill of excitement? Desire or passion? Possession?

What is power, exactly? I wrote earlier than it’s been said that what you give your power to is your God/Higher Power. My anxiety typically stems from the unknown.  It drives me to attempt to control everything in my environment, because I wanted to be perfect.  My sense of perfectionism started when I was a kid.  Straight A+ was my standard, and anything less would give me stomach aches.

Until recently, those standards and reactions occurred with something as big as parenting, career, home or as little as writing an email, cooking dinner, and thinking thoughts.  My very identity was held captive in a Stepford Wife mentality.  Only, I had to be Stepford Man and Wife, because I wanted a career, I wanted to be successful.  I wanted  vacations, nice car, and a big house.  Nothing was ever right, and happiness was fleeting at best.  At my best, I was working 10-12 hour days, going to the gym for 45 minutes, cooking a massive family dinner, and cleaning it up.  Relaxation would be berating myself for the unfolded laundry, clumps of dog hair, and toilet I hadn’t cleaned.  I was very, very powerful.

When I went to the mental hospital the first time, most people, I think, were surprised.    As I was twitching in the mental hospital, stuttering, sobbing, and saying “voices are telling me to kill myself”, I understood in every sense of the word what powerless means.  It was how I always felt inside, masked by a smile and can do attitude on the outside. My mask had just fallen off.

I refuse to even apply the diagnoses, because I don’t want comparisons.  Through this, I understand what true power is, not my perfect illusion.  There is a lot of power in hate.  I look at Donald Trump, and I see my old self in many ways.  My hair is certainly better, but I am a cunning woman.  I started as an administrative assistant, and ultimately had a department in my company created around my skill set.  I ran on hate, just like Trump.  My life was dedicated to proving everyone wrong. When I went to the mental hospital, I had to accept for the first time that I was really harming myself.

Every time I have gone to the mental hospital, I have had to because my mind and/or body could not sustain me anymore.  I have accepted that I do not seem to understand my own limits, and I push myself beyond them. Like Trump, I seemed to need validation that I was the best and smartest.  Unlike Trump, my temper tantrums were lobbied against myself in my mind, or via fingers down my throat.  I would blow up at my husband and kids after a while.  If I’m honest, a big part was because I felt like I was doing everything alone.  It’s frustrating to not sit until 11PM at night and still see shit to do.

Feeling powerless gives me 2 perspectives – humble or act like Trump and try to fight everything.  The power of my hate is destructive, but I realize that my power can be as simple as smiling at someone.  That cashier at Wawa was shocked that I greeted him, smiled at him, and acknowledged he’s a human.  I bet he was nicer to more customers, and maybe they were nicer to him.   Maybe nothing happened. It seems nicer than ignoring another human being or being rude.

The poetry, writing, and music that transforms my life is the most sublime power I know.  How many songs have you listened to, and they have changed your perspective?  Invictus? Buddha is everywhere.  He is a man who lived 2,500 years ago, yet he formed the basis of a lot of  psychology.  His words, Maynard’s words, poetry & blogs on WordPress help me.

Have you ever thought of that?  A hug from a friend at a concert made me change my decision to kill myself.  A hug.  I keep asking “What can love do?” My instincts are currently crying for change in everything.  Open, honest, free.  I’d like to see what is in store for me without killing myself while wearing my hate toupee.  I also would like to not pass that toupee on to my kids, or anyone I interact with on any level.   How about you?

That’s how I always understood – love, power, happiness are energy and can be explained by physics, not that I’m good at it.  Newton’s Law of Attraction, Conservation of Energy.  Point is, love is not some hokey concept on a Hallmark card.  If you cast a stone into a pond, you make ripples.  Your stone can be whatever you wish it to be, but the ripples will go out and come back. There is no opposite of love, because love is everything.  Hate and apathy, though, are powerful ripples.  If you want to dismiss me as crazy, have at it, I’ve been crazy my whole damn life.  I’ll love ya anyway 😉

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