I am so tired of putting that thing on. I have worn so many masks in my life that I do not actually know who I am more often than not. My life has been ruled by mirrors and opinions. I have to be the most confused empathetic person in the world. For one, I don’t even like identifying as empathetic, because I worry that I tend to be narcissistic. Am I introverted or extroverted? I have gotten to the point, anymore, where all the labels have blurred, and I can’t figure out which mask is which.
All I know, truly, is that I don’t mesh in this world well anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this is not some sort of suicide note on WordPress, but it is a woman who is tired of bullshit. I have lied about everything in my life it feels like. My past gets re-written depending on audience. I’m completely disillusioned, and I have a complete and total writers block. My usual confidence took a shit, and I’m sitting here in a dirty hoodie with bed head, sipping coffee, and trying to pump myself up to essentially go to war with three rogue anti-school, anti-pants, anti-leaving-bed children. At the same time, I was able to tell two of my friends some of the most painful skeletons in my closet without blinking an eye. I said to one, “This is why I can’t judge anyone, because I am the biggest dickhead I know, and I still dig me.” I’ll file this under “Huge Fucking Progress”
I made a really nice dinner last night. A ham, homemade mac and cheese, fresh broccoli, baby carrots, cucumbers, biscuits. They argued, one dumped milk, and they barely ate. I found myself so exhausted that the dishes sat in the sink, while I plodded upstairs to argue with my anti-going-to-bed crew and collapsed in bed. This was after one son pissed his pants on our walk and my other son got stuck in a tree. Thankfully, complete strangers ran and got a ladder to get my son down, as I was trying my best to not scream, cry, and begin rocking back and forth babbling. My oldest said “He wanted me to help him climb the tree, but then he went too high”.
I have a week’s worth of unfolded laundry on my chair, mail piling up, art projects that need hanging and praise, and my new comforter that one of them stuck gum on and I cannot get off. I guess I should comfort myself by photographing my ham and posting on Facebook. Actually, I put a funny picture up
I purposely put my hair ties so it looks like Jack is wearing a sweatband. This is the dumb shit I do to make myself laugh. When I’m depressed, I like to try to make everyone else laugh. It helps. I list these things out to say, I woke up this morning not sure if I wanted to scream or cry or both. I’m sipping my coffee right now, and I am so overwhelmed. It’s difficult, in a sense, to feel all of the things that I block out normally. I would venture to guess this is the first time that I’ve looked around, and I’ve actually been so flabbergasted that I can’t even think. I’ve been doing this for two years, and I don’t know how, aside from masochism, escapism, and detachment.
I felt my heartbeat yesterday for the first time in months. I numb myself so well, and that is not anything to brag about. I am tired of being numb and disconnected. I am tired of putting on my masks. Since I’ve been on leave from work, I have been lazy and unmotivated, which is the complete opposite of “me”. I’m “nothing” without goals and plans. For awhile, my goal was get out of bed. Since I started hiking, it’s been keep moving. More than anything, it’s been “Stop hurting myself”.
There is a voice inside of me whispering that I can do this. There is a voice whispering that I am strong, I am brave, and I am meant to do incredible things. I forgot she was there, but I heard her when I felt my heartbeat yesterday. As I sit here sipping coffee before the chaos, I feel depression creeping back up again. I feel its claws circling my neck, and the lies starting again. I looked up and saw those clouds as I stood outside this morning smoking a cigarette.
“Why does a dog stick its head out the window, even if it could get bugs in their mouth and eyes?”
“Because a dog knows, no matter how many bugs, it’s worth the ride”
It’s nice to feel the breeze, when you’re not suffocated by your own masks and lies. Smile Now, Cry Later, right?