Push the Envelope, Watch it Bend

I call the Universe Mother.  Take me for what you will; I like to put things in buckets that I understand.  To me, Gods and Goddesses are used to explain the un-explainable.  Neil DeGrasse Tyson talks about how all planets move in a cosmic order – a cosmic dance, he described.  As you look in nature, patterns repeat.  Triangles, Pyramids, Amaryllis, Roses, spirals.  So much of this is in Maynard’s lyrics, and people bang their fuckin’ heads.  Even Corey Taylor, in all his rage filled screams, his lyrics are profound. “The more I know my mind, the more I leave you all behind.” (House of Gold and Bones ~Stone Sour)  People ask me “what do you worship?”  To me, music, nature, artists, gods, goddesses, Buddha is all one.  Music, like nature, can play your heart like a violin.  It can twist your mind like a hurricane.  It can give your body chills or make you move feverishly.  Anyone that can create – manifest something that did not exist previously is part of the divine.  My logic is that they created, is that not what God did? Do I think they all have beards and live in clouds? No. (my beard still hasn’t come in, dammit…)

I think of a canvas.  I think that we are all part of the same canvas, painted differently. I refuse to believe anyone is above or below me, because I have no clue what their lives are like.  The meditation yesterday said “Think of the woman next to you.  She has her own struggles, she has her own pain.  Feel her love, as you send her love.  Together, let your love grow”  Isn’t that beautiful? That’s really it – Love.  Love creates, love destroys, and love is the ultimate power, to me.

When I left the meditation, Lateralus was stuck in my head.  I was so inspired, and Maynard’s words echoed in my soul.  The words, we all struggle, we all have pain.  Isn’t it true?  I’ve been reading about different types of Core Wounds – according to Jung.  He describes The Father Wound and The Mother Wound. The very concept of Mother is an archetype.  She can be your own mother, a goddess, the Virgin Mary, on and on.  These wounds feed what he calls our shadows – you can call it demons, bad shit, whatever…What struck me was the Mother Wound, particularly since I refer to the Universe as Mother and I am a Mom (who had to dash in her santa jammies after the bus today…).

I’ve always believed I am the template for my kids’ relationships, as is their father.  I am their concept of woman and he is their concept of man.  I say that in the sense that they learn love from us; Oedipus Complex is a concept that has existed since the Greeks, so empirically speaking, it does seem like you either marry/bang (not everyone wants a relationship, okay?) a parent or the complete opposite.  Holy crap, that’s a lot of pressure, isn’t it?  Jung gave me a huge sense of relief, in that it kind of doesn’t matter what I do, I’m going to screw my kids up.  I don’t say this in the sense, oh good, I will beat them, and stick them outside naked, covered in honey.  I say this in the sense that, none of us have manuals, directions, or a clue and we are all innately fucked up.

To a child, the mother and father are their universe, their world, their everything.  They are the first notion of a God or Higher Power.  The child puts all of this on the parent, and in so doing, depending on the type of parent, will develop core wounds.  The beauty of Jung is he gives you the struggles related to the wound and the power of the wound.  I’ll insert a bit of Buddha here – I cannot make my kids happy; they must cultivate happiness for themselves.  They, however, do not yet possess all of the skills to establish beliefs, etc. and this is how the wounds begin.  If you have a parent that was abused or addicted, the wounds get very profound and often repeat as the child becomes an adult.

This is where people get hinky.  Higher Power is a LITERAL term.  You do not have to imagine a bearded dude in the sky; that’s just not how it works.  Jung believed that we all put our power above us, external to us, as you do to your parents as a child.  If you look at AA/NA/ACOA, etc. you are dealing with a realm of addiction and/or abuse.  From my experience, mental health and trauma are nestled in the crevices and this is how I got hooked on Jung. He was a psychologist, he stood on Freud’s shoulders, and he uses divine concepts to explain why we’re all batshit crazy.  This is shit I can get behind!

So, your higher power is what you give your power to.  God, Jesus, Heroin, Alcohol, (Buddha would not appreciate being a higher power!) or in my case music (probably cheese and pistachios, too, don’t judge me!) and the universe.  I say this not that, “oh man, if I just trust in the stars, dude, all will be well” I say this in that, I trust that with self exploration, understanding, and so forth, I will become what I am meant to be.  I see no reason to limit myself to any one belief – Buddha and Jesus make a lot of sense, as does Jung, as does Einstein.  The Buddha wanted us all to seek our own path, not follow his footsteps.  Jesus just wanted us to love each other, so it’s really swell he got crucified.  Jung believed the Collective Consciousness killed Jesus – that the shadows cannot handle love, joy, happiness, and peace.  (Maybe I should stop writing about this stuff…)

Nietzsche went nuts trying to explain this!  He declared God is Dead, as he was trying to explain that we are all divine in nature (I’ll save that for another time).  I’m telling you though, the crazy ones, the “mad” ones, are the ones that make connections others cannot.  I’ve fought being “crazy” for so long, but ya know what, whatever.  I don’t believe it.  I don’t believe I was born to want to die, but I love myself and my kids too much to keep suffering, and Jung has helped me understand that I can either fight my demons, or I can give ’em a big ole smooch and welcome them to the party.  If anything, my crazy is my genius.  It’s my superpower, as ADHD is my kids’.  I think we’re all going apeshit lately, because this world is bananas and NOT in a carmelized foster kind of way (mmmm….)

I refuse to believe panic attacks and coffee are my purpose in life.  I refuse to believe that I am meant to be so depressed that getting out of bed is an accomplishment.  I refuse to allow PTSD, Bipolar, GAD, MDD, or any other stupid fucking alphabet soup define ME. How the hell can you even define someone anyway?  To me, I’m infinite.  I don’t even believe I actually die.  I think I get re-painted on the canvas.  I don’t believe that I get punished, as long as I live my life with love, authenticity and intention.  Right now, yeah, I am struggling.  To me, it’s my choice – stay or keep going.  Jung calls this process individuation – you separate yourself from your wounds, shadows, and parents/SuperEgo/Society’s bullshit.  You establish your own sense of self, and in so doing, you become more free to explore the bigger picture.

I realized when Maynard sings “push the envelope, watch it bend” he’s referring to everything.  The more authentic I get about myself, my beliefs, my views, the more people love me, ditch me, or distance from me.  You think it’s weird that I dig crystals? Good for you friend, keep going.  I won’t force my beliefs on you – Live and Let Die, if you want to tell me that you are atheist, cool – be the best atheist you can be.  You want to tell me that you believe in aliens? Awesome! Keep learning and exploring.  I don’t care what you are, as long as you question yourself and establish your own beliefs.  If you blindly follow what everyone tells you, I will love you, but I’ll likely struggle to respect you.  To become yourself is to really, really, kick your own ass.  It’s to look deep inside, see the wounds that you’ve been given, and remind yourself every damn day, “That’s not me.”

It’s pushing your own envelope – how far can you go, when you don’t define yourself by your own or someone elses’ bullshit?

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