I search my face in the mirror. My pupils are dilated once again. Large black orbs obfuscate the normal blue or grey hue. I dourly ponder if it is a desperate attempt by my soul to find light in my self-imposed darkness. “Who are you in there?” I muse aloud, to no one in particular. As I stare, the crushing weight of hopelessness hits me with a knock out punch. I take the strings of my hoodie in my hand and attempt to choke the life out of me.
The strings bite my skin as I feel the flesh turn raw. I watch the whites of my eyes begin to redden as blue creeps along my lips. It’s been a few minutes, but nothing has changed, except my hands hurt and I realize I am not strong enough. I sigh and hike my hoodie up to hide the new marks. No one notices anyway, I acknowledge. As I gather a few new breaths in my sore lungs, I wonder if all of this was meant to teach me that everything I have ever thought was wrong.
I search the mirror again. My pupils are normal size. I wish I could see what my soul looked like in that moment. A picture of my children catch my eye, as I love you Mommy echoes hauntingly in my ears. “Are you going to wish or choose?” as I slap myself back to reality.