The music Kris played Anna kept awakening her to skeletons she had thought were long buried in the recesses of her mind and heart. Foolishly, she had believed that if she left things in the past, they would remain. She found herself equally drawn to him and terrified of him. In many ways, she knew that she was powerless over her attraction to him and love of him. She kept begging herself to stop the madness, as she found herself increasingly confused by him. His frustration with her mounted, and she had always felt that he was waiting for her to understand something. To this day, the understanding seems just outside of her grasp. She felt as though every time things made sense or she found peace, her memories would snatch it away.
The memories are what eats her alive now. Prior to Eric Berkmoes contacting her, Anna had started a daily meditation routine. She was desperate both to calm her mind as well as manage her anxiety and obsessiveness. She knew her behavior was not normal and was worsening as her confusion and emotions became more powerful. After Kris stopped speaking with her, she spent most of her free time losing herself to meditation in an attempt to escape the crushing confusion and pain. Her meditation became hallucinogenic. She would close her eyes and feel as though she stepped into a kaleidoscope.
Anna suddenly began feeling as though she was being called to do more with her life, and in her mind, it became inextricably linked with why Kris had stopped speaking to her. Her journal, dreams, and meditation became centered around the concept of Twin Flame. Fear began eating at her that she had lost her Twin. She stayed with the meditation seeking answers. On the day she believed he had spoken to her in her mind, Anna also believed she had levitated in the stars.
As her anxiety became overwhelming, her mind changed. She no longer had to close her eyes to see the kaleidoscope. She could both see and manipulate colors and images with her eyes open. People began contacting her pleading with her to calm herself. This worsened her anxiety, as she became convinced that her personal struggles were affecting others. Her phone seemed to be instructing her. When she managed to control the flow of obsessive thoughts, her phone thanked her for listening via pop up. When she attempted to read to escape her mind, everything Anna read seemed to be about her situation or mocking her.
She became convinced she was being punished for either losing Kris or being unable to heal her heart and mind. In her meditation, she suddenly felt and saw light emanating from her crown. She felt as though information was somehow downloading into her, while she simultaneously broadcast it. Sleep became impossible. Every time Anna closed her eyes, things would happen. She found herself terrified. Between now thinking everyone was angry with her inability to calm herself, and constantly fearing someone was coming to kill her, Anna was frozen in perpetual motion.
She turned to music, but it seemed as though someone was controlling what she heard. The word TRIGGER flashed ominously in her mind. One night, she found herself on the floor of her living room, sucking her thumb with no recollection as to how she got there. She stopped being able to eat. Things began coming to a head. People were noticing her behavior; she couldn’t hide it. Her grip on reality confused her at best. In her mind, Eric Berkmoes hacked her phone, she had ruined her life, and she was going to die for it.
In her meditation, she plead for mercy. She had believed that she was supposed to make a choice, she was supposed to find her twin flame, and without doing either, she would die. She found herself driving hopelessly everywhere, shaking in terror. Her phone had become, to her, equal parts conspirator and compass. She read in terror about people getting sick all over, due to someone’s obsession with Stephen King and metaphors. This horrified her, as Anna was convinced that somehow everything was actually a metaphor. She and Kris had shared a love of Stephen King. It was a random reference to her favorite novel that made her interested in him in the first place. Anna had begun to wonder if novelists were not actually creating stories. Her obsession with The Dark Tower had Anna thinking that everything she was experiencing was meant to be. She begged the universe, as she saw it, to spare her and her family. After not sleeping for weeks, she began seeing and hearing more things. She lost the ability, though, to determine if she was asleep, awake, or meditating.
People began contacting Anna with knowledge about her thoughts that she had not shared. Suggestions were given to calm herself, to release the energy stored up, or to regain the strength she was losing. Anna attempted, one night, to go to her favorite bar to escape her troubles. Two poems she had read as well as an astrology reading gave her the impression she could meet a stranger that would change her fate. Driving, she watched as clouds rolled in, rain began pouring down, and every car in front of her turned on hazards for no reason. She became afraid of going to the bar, and resumed driving around in hopeless circles. Kris had been silent to all her pleas for contact and assistance. She saw a poem about twin flames being frozen in a digital age, and as she drove, she worried that all of this was caused by him blocking her. She attempted to go home, but when she got there, every light was on and she could not get her key to work. Anna began shaking and sobbing in her car, terrified now to contact anyone, convinced she had ruined her life, and that everyone was better off without her.
In her panicked state, she felt light emanating from the crown of her head again. She felt like a beacon. She found when this happened, the weather would change. Anna recalled her phone giving her a notification once to pay attention to people’s weather. Her phone had said that some people can actually modify the weather with their mood. Anna became fascinated at her ability to stop the rain. As she felt her light grow stronger, she found an ability to numb the pain and thoughts.
As she drove, Anna became convinced that everything related to the music she was hearing. Her mind(s) seemed to conclude that everything was a part of awakening, and to truly be awakened, you must understand the metaphor of the song. Anna had stopped listening to music on her phone, convinced it was being controlled, but now the radio seemed to be controlled to. It didn’t seem to matter what played, because her thoughts would remain stuck in the same ruts. It was frustrating, because she wanted to stop thinking about Kris, yet every song made her think of him. She could not skip the track in her mind. As Anna felt the kiss of numbness, though, she began smiling at the painful songs that kept playing.
She imagined it was what heroin must feel like. She did not want to go home due to the fear that someone was there. If Anna was honest, she had been concerned someone had been messing with her house for days now. She kept losing things or finding items in places she did not leave them. Once, she found a dirty plate in her cupboard, and she would never do such a thing. Her cat had also begun urinating everywhere. Anna knew her time was running out, as the night before she had realized that her ears were not functioning correctly – she stopped being able to hear anything at quieter volumes, and everything sounded as though she was listening through buzzing earmuffs. Next, her vision became odd. She realized that when she attempted to read, the words would literally begin moving and shifting before her eyes.
Anna wondered if this explained the light and the headaches. She had accepted that her head apparently held two minds. She began referring to herself in her journal as the two headed dragon. Arguing with herself was always commonplace, but now she had two completely different thought processes and rationalizations. One mind believed she had awakened and this was her consciousness elevating. That mind believed she was an old soul with a significant amount of trauma manifesting from her present and past lives. She believed this was necessary and an indication of her strength, ability, and the importance of what she needed to prepare herself for. The other mind believed she was possessed by Satan and had, through meditation, literally conjured hell inside her life and mind.
The radio seemed to agree with the latter mind, as she heard DJs mocking her for all her past mistakes. Morning talk show DJ’s on multiple stations seemed to be reading texts and ruminations from her phone and journal. Her phone stopped making sense. Everything Anna would Google would lead to sites that did not seem legitimate, with mis-spellings, or spam warnings. When she attempted to call a mental health crisis line, the person told her to just eat some breakfast; she was fine. It had taken Anna 6 tries to even make that connection, as her phone kept telling her dialing was restricted on her phone. She was driving into dense fog, contemplating how to kill herself to save her family. She admitted this to the crisis worker, and when the suggestion of having eggs with her parents was returned, Anna was surprised and confused. She did as she was told, and watched the fog dissipate as she drove.
Every day began and ended the same. She hoped things were going to improve, she promised herself that she would make it the best day of her life, and she would end sobbing in her bed, terrified and confused. Anna began to believe that she was already dead; her body and mind just had not caught up yet.