Dream a Little a Dream for Me…

Since I wrote 13 Reasons.. I have felt a shift in my perception.  Between the books I’m reading, re-committing myself to meditation and mindfulness, and trying to build consistency and routine again, I have felt a lot of positive changes in my life (I also discovered water is wet!).download (15)

That post prompted me to reflect more on my life.  I’ve never been able to picture myself growing old.  I’m not sure if that is weird, but I always took it as a sign I was going to die young.  I remember, on my wedding day, having this dark thought of “I wonder how long this will last?” It wasn’t about the success or failure of my marriage (although maybe I was prophetic); it was about how long I would live.  I always believed I would not make it past 35.  I’m 34 and a half, so I’m really focusing on “making it work” as Tim Gunn would say.  It is this deep rooted belief that has actually darkened all of my clouds.

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One of the blessings of my mind is my vivid imagination.  I can conjure up worlds in my brain. It’s great, because I am completely entertained by myself.  One of the curses of my mind is my vivid imagination.  I can conjure up hell in my brain.  It’s terrifying, because I can completely torture myself.  The fact that, not once, could I visualize what I thought I’d look like as an old lady bothered me.

I started reading these books because I know my life is ruled by fear and all of the hats fear likes to wear – anger, anxiety, depression, etc. My mental health is equally chemical and situational.  Do I believe I need support from medication to manage my life? Yes, absolutely.  Do I believe that is enough? No. That mentality is like someone with diabetes shooting insulin while nomming on donuts.  My mind is a result of my environment and my environment is a result of my mind.  Connecting with my fear – which is the fear of the unknown – is helping me be more open and honest with myself.

I’ve always believed that as you eliminate fear, which is ego in disguise, you free yourself up to experience new things, but more importantly, to contemplate more.  When I spend all my time worrying about paying bills, I have no time to think about where the hell I came from or why the hell I am here.  I can’t believe paying PECO is my purpose in life.

After Jack and I separated, I became focused on “What makes me happy?” With my kids gone part of the time, I realized that being ___’s Mom & Jack’s wife was also not my sole purpose in life.  I realized, finally, that the root of so many of my issues were externalizing the very notion of my happiness.  I love my mantra of “I wish to be what I am to become”.  Happiness is one of my purposes, and it is my choice and perception.

I think the most difficult part of connecting with true happiness is watching yourself take it away.  I think, in part, I became afraid of being happy, because I fear I will rob myself of it (again).  When I practiced numbing and disassociation, life was easier, in the sense that apathy is an illusion of being free of pain. Managing life with bipolar and the alphabet soup of diagnoses requires effort, but everything requires effort. I’m unique like everyone else.

I am 34 years old, and I still cannot tell you what exactly “baseline” means to me from a mood or even goal-setting perspective.  I typically wake one way, change 4 times, and go to bed in a completely different mindset.  The only way I have found to cope is to meditate frequently, and foster a calm, quiet, peaceful environment as much as possible.  I find myself hiding from the kids a lot to re-center myself.  I used to feel guilty about it, but I realized it’s as natural as breathing.  I need to care for my mind, because when I don’t, my mind tries to kill me.  My vivid imagination has a habit of making me watch a sick movie of me slitting my wrists a lot.

If I had continued as I was, I do believe that my prophecy of dying before I was 35 would have come true.  Frankly, I believe my obituary would have listed October 1, 1982 to January 27, 2017 – when I almost rammed into a telephone pole doing 60mph because I fell asleep behind the wheel.  The next day, I went to the hospital.  The past few months have been digging 6 feet up while being shown the true meaning of karma and intention. I do not think I have ever felt as low as I have in the past few months; lamenting, “how many fucking times can a person hit bottom?”

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Then I saw this, and I set my intention to get back to where I was, only better – 2 weeks ago today.  1 week ago today, I began reading and doing some serious work.  I started remembering dreams again, and I started seeing my smile again.  I have such a beautiful smile.  I have awesome dimples, and my eyes are gorgeous, and all around, I am in love with my face when I smile.  It’s so damn rare, but all this week, that smile has been out again.

Every night, in my meditation, I have seen that smile.  That smile was surrounded by wrinkles, and curly white hair.  That smile was attached to an old woman who was covered in tattoos.  She is a grandmom to a beautiful little girl with curly brown hair and dimples, and a handsome young man who is the spitting image of her oldest with chestnut hair and eyes.  That woman was sitting on a green wooden rocking chair, on a big porch where you could see and hear the beach.  I saw her die comfortably in bed one night, with that same smile on her face, and I knew she lived every single dream she ever had.  That woman was me.

All week, I have been working on new affirmations, with my favorites being, “Love did not create this” and “I release fear and choose to see love”.  As I’ve had anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and that dreadful movie play, I’ve brought myself back with those and substituted the image of a happy old lady.  I don’t know specifically what my purpose is, but you better believe I will hold those grandbabies.

Namaste.

Tibetan Bowls – Release Negative Energy & Raise Vibration

UCLA – Weekly Mindfulness Meditations

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14 thoughts on “Dream a Little a Dream for Me…

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    1. 😊 I remember when I watched the abundance factor (check it out if you haven’t seen it, I think you’d like the messages) he had said something like, connecting with a current that just seems to help you keep going up. That’s how I’ve felt this week. Seriously, writing that post thanks to you, did so many wonders for me. I can’t express my gratitude enough, my friend. 🙏🏻❤️🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Those books helped me a lot. Do you journal? I started writing 3 gratitudes every day after I went to the mental hospital the first time. It got to the point, i would fill a page. I’m starting that again today, so I have a constant reminder of the good I forget. You know you’ll keep going, girl, you’re a warrior. You just gotta find the smile and peace to go along with it. The wings to your armor ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I do journal. Ever Since I could write. I never knew why but it was just something I HAD to do. I quit for a bit but picked it back up a few years ago. Helps me immensely but lately the words are dark. I need to find the light again. Thanks for the encouragement.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. You are seriously doing so well. Put your left hand on your right shoulder, your right hand on your left shoulder, and squeeze.
    That’s a self hug, for remembering WHO you are, and for conquering the demons.

    Love kills the demon. Every time. ❤️🙏🌹
    Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 ❤ Thank you so much!!!!!! It feels so nice. I kept telling myself "rest, don't quit" and while it did feel like my slump would never end, I knew I wasn't giving up ❤ Namaste, Wahe Guru ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This really hit home with me. I always knew I’d never lake it past 47, KNEW it. I had not had that thought in years, until last Wednesday, my 48th birthday 🙂 I woke up and was laying there giving thanks(I try to do that every morning, I feel it starts my energy for the day off right mostly because for ALL my life I woke up crying with a heart pounding out of my chest, wishing today would be the day I died, so I wouldn’t have to go through this any more, silently if there was anyone else in the house, screaming it if I was alone and no one would hear) and the “remember when you didn’t think you’d make it past 47” thought popped up(why 47 I don’t know, but that was my number) It amazes me know how different life is, how I look forward to the day, no matter what it brings, instead of dreading and hating it. How appreciative I am verses, resentful. I know this will happen for you. I read your words and think, say something, help her, you know she is going to conquer this but I know, like me, those words probably won’t help. No ones words would help me, usually it angered me more because well, what did they know? Easy for them to blow that rainbows and unicorns crap up my rear end, THEY WERE HAPPY. They didn’t wake up crying, feeling like they where having a heart attack 24 hours a day. All I can say is, you are the most valuable thing in the world. I am overjoyed that you are seeing that for yourself, and things are changing for you, for the better, this will continue. Much love and positive thought and energy to you. :):)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means the world to me, really. It is amazing how our minds love to lie to us! I’m telling you, when I see that image in my head, I cry. It has changed my entire mindset. I think I was kind of stuck…what the hell do I do? Why is nothing working? And I realized “uh…you keep thinking I’m lost, I’m depressed, I’m a failure” that’s not really going to help.

      I keep saying to myself “you’ve imagined and manifested every worst case scenario. What happens when you let your dreams breathe?”

      Sending lots of love
      And light your way my friend. Thank you for being a gentle wind under my newfound wings ❤️😊🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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