One Mom’s Itchy Butt #8

Hip Opening exercises are amazing for releasing emotion.  What is not amazing is dealing with the emotions that arise, if you’ve spent years disconnecting from or repressing them.  I realized my bad mood yesterday was the first wave of the emotional surge.  I was expecting sadness, but I was trying to keep everything open, and just see what happens without judgement.  I know this is ultimately very beneficial and needed, but nothing worth it is ever easy, right? Unfortunately, I am not used to suffering so much “for” my own benefit; I am used to letting everyone else beat me down, while I agree mentally.

This was one of those mornings where you genuinely wish for a do-over.  In reality, I know I handled myself really well.  Mentally, my children are out of control and it is all my fault.  Looking at spilled Lucky Charms, milk, and whatnot, I feel this overwhelming urge to scream, “WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING HARD?!”  Is it that hard to keep Lucky Charms in a cereal bowl? Is it that hard to aim towards the middle of the toilet, and not, say, the fucking floor when pissing? Is the act of putting pants on truly this catastrophic?  Do I actually need to argue about the merits of brushing one’s teeth? Why do I need to repeat everything at least 10 times? WHERE HAVE ALL THE FUCKING SOCKS GONE???

I know my anger is misdirected. (Well, maybe some, I mean seriously, where the fuck are these kids socks?!)  Is it truly necessary that, for every single stimulus in the world, I have to get the peanut gallery of self criticism? I am grateful to manage this better with breathing in and letting out some Om’s, but I do wish life was quieter in general – particularly my memories and thoughts (and kids…). My memories – or rather the repressed emotions associated with them, are what’s really fueling my marshmallow bit rage.

I believe you teach people how to treat you.  The amount of tears I have shed for men who shouldn’t have had my phone number, let alone my heart is embarrassing.  I think I’ve finally connected with a part of me that has been stuffed waaaaaaaayyy down low. I have encountered so many assholes in my life; I am terrified of sending 3 more assholes or victims in the world.  My emotional releases right now are directly tied to people who have ventured into my life and (with my assistance, of course) completely and absolutely fucked my world up.  It is my awful relationship history that began this search for peace and love, because I was so tired of letting myself be used and abused.  It is my love of my children that fueled my desire to be the example they need.

As I was teaching Barrel to tie his shoe this morning, I got punched in the face with emotions.  Why teaching bunny ears released this, I cannot say, but in my emotional surge, I realized never believed I deserved love. I realized that I have always believed if I loved people enough, they would “actually” love me.  I desperately sought love, and I found pain.  Even as a Mom, this pressure I have placed on myself to “be the mom they deserve”…”not let them cry my tears”… Hell, I was teaching him to tie his shoes while mentally criticizing myself that “he’s almost out of Kindergarten and can’t tie his shoes!” I am not only a Mom, I’m apparently a prophet and God, too.

I will be the first to say: raising kids with ADHD is not easy.  They do not listen, and they are impulsive, and there is a balance to strike between discipline and understanding that they are trying to control their minds/live within the world’s rules as I am.  I have the “gift” of 34 years of this balance, whereas they have 10, 7, and 5.  My son’s brain told him to dance around in his underwear, not tie the damn shoes.

I watch them try, I see my son get upset, “you hate me because I don’t listen to you.” It breaks my heart.  Maybe I am too soft on them, but I empathize with the fact that when your brain is noisy, listening is hard.  I am keenly aware that I still don’t listen to anyone, unless they are making me feel like shit, then they have my FULL attention. I know that I never needed, nor do they need, the constant messaging of, essentially,  “Can you just stop being you? If you ___, I’d love you more.”   I am where I am today because I want the best for them, and because that was my messaging.  No matter what I have done or avenues I have taken, my peanut gallery has judged me lacking.

I’ve always felt like everyone judges me.  It could be the “10,000 mirrors” complex, it could be my sensitivity to being “different”, or it could be confirmation bias of my own shitty peanut gallery.  I can try to pretend that my feelings aren’t valid, but the truth is, judging people is kind of what we all do.  Jesus taught me, “Judge not lest ye be judged” (actually, I think it was Metallica…), and “Before you criticize the mote in your neighbors eye, remove the beam from your own.” As usual, I take that too far, and think I am complete dogshit, and everyone else is better than me.  No self respect leads to no respect.  I believed I am not worthy of being loved for me as I am, and I used others/allowed others to use me to validate this feeling, and I judged myself mercilessly.

I don’t like it, and I’m trying to stop doing it.  For one, not everything is a reflection of me.  Believe it or not, kids are autonomous humans.  As autonomous humans, we all screw up.  My current biggest screw up is that I treat my kids more kindly than myself.  Even if they are disciplined by me, I chase that with mentally flagellating myself for my shortcomings.  For another, if I can show my kids understanding and compassion, I can certainly give that to myself.  Those people that have hurt me in the past? They too get me attempting to be compassionate and place all the blame on myself. I’m kind of a backwards hypocrite.  “Do Unto others what you apparently refuse to do to yourself.”

I am enough. I am grateful for it.  I am worthy of unconditional love and forgiveness, like everyone else.

I am going to go clean up the Lucky Charms….

Yoga to help with hip opening/emotional release:

 

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