Dear ____, (#1)

Dear ____,

I hope you do not mind my letter, but I thought it was important to send.  I heard a song that made me think of you.  Well, you told me about the song, so it always makes me think about you.  Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever hear music and not think of you.  How many times did we drive listening to everything, or the times we’d snuggle up to YouTube.  No matter how long it has been, I get chills thinking of us.  Of all ways to fall in love with someone, to connect over music is the most dangerous, I think…

Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I had always focused on the wrong lyrics in the song.  I always believed you were a good person, you brought out the best in me, and you were amazing.  Now, I don’t even know anymore.  I do wonder if your bite infected me with whatever is wrong inside of you.  You always seemed so distant and closed off, and I always feared you would hurt me.  Inside, I always thought that I could teach you to love me, but I always knew you were dangerous for me.  I remember when I saw you the first night, I thought, “Don’t fall for him”  The next day, I fell.  How do you not fall for someone who seems to be everything you want? I don’t know if I should blame you or me, since I did kind of bring this on myself, huh…

Anyway, the song made me I remember seeing the texts you wrote to other chicks, and how angry I got.  Underneath the anger, I felt sick.  It was seeing my fear and worry black and white in front of my face.  I know how you always said you did not really believe in monogamy, and how you never wanted a girlfriend or anything serious.  I know I kind of just ignored you on that, and I know I projected a lot of my bullshit on you.  Looking back, I know I was afraid of receiving the hurt of being cheated on, because I am a cheater.

I remembered when I cheated on you.  You had pissed me off, so I invited a guy over.  As he was shoving his cock in me, I closed my eyes and whispered fuck you to you.  I am not sure if you knew I cheated or not – it was a few times – after I saw those texts.  Despite those texts, I wanted to be with you.  Anger made me lash out, love made me stay.  How can I say I love you, yet cheat on you? How can you ask women for pictures of their ass while you are with me? I guess, maybe I should have listened to my instinct and stayed away from you.  I guess, maybe I should have dealt with my own demons before giving them all to you.

Now you are gone, and I miss you still.  I don’t understand how I can miss this so much.  “If you love someone set them free” right?  It hurts so much every time I realize that you are never coming back, you were never mine.  Every time I think of you, I note how long it has been since I have spoken to you.  Those words echo, and I know you were never mine.   I still love you, no matter how much I try to ignore it.   So, now I’m infected with you, wishing I could forget you, grateful for loving you, sad you never loved me.  I haven’t been able to love anyone like I loved you, I haven’t dated, I tried to go back to the old slutty ways, but that makes me think of being a cheater.  I’m tired of being a cheater.  I guess learning the hard way to listen to my intuition is the price I pay for the pain of ignoring it for so long.

Love, Rose

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Dear ____, (#1)

Add yours

  1. So crap when that happens!! But seriously chick, you’re MUCH better off without him! Some men and or women, fuck around for a long time, until time catches up with them, and then time fucks them up! Move on sista, love yourself, you’re worth it! Don’t want no asshole texting other chicks when bonking you thanks!! fuck that!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hahaha, true. This is loosely based in my life, but more than anything it’s just a fiction concept I’m working on. I am sick and tired of writing about me, I’m like so bored of me and my fucked up head, so when that happens, I tend to play around in fiction more 😀 I was hoping I could try to start writing little letters that would resonate with people differently on different levels, because I’ve had so maaaaaaaany shitty relationships, I feel like I could hit on every one hahahahaha

      Like

      1. Bloody good idea!! yeah, make up stories, that’s always fun to do, and easy when you pretend it’s all about you or your life, you like ‘get into the groove’…hahaha, that’s what us mentally fucked people do! You make me laugh. How do you POST SO MANY posts every day!! jeeez…I don’t have the goddam time!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. hahahahaha, I was all mad at myself for not posting at all yesterday. Honestly, this is me teaching myself discipline. I committed myself to writing, blogging is easy and accessible, so I want to build a discipline around my writing, setting standards for myself, etc. I want to be a published author, and while I am not entirely sure the mechanics of it, I know that you can’t be a writer if you don’t write. Also, my WPM is INSANE. I can type well over 100 wpm, so editing is longer than writing for me. Well, that and coming up with something to write about hahahaha I’m also out of work on disability due to the psychosis earlier this year. My meds are constantly changing, and I’m not comfortable getting back to work until I have a stable med schedule. I have so many side effects, etc. I don’t need to bombard myself with nonsense.

        Like

      3. You sound like me. Also on disability. Too stuffed to work properly and meds making me lose my sight and memory. and not doing a great job of keeping the mental crap at bay. I also suffered with horrific side effects, and had to keep changing for over a year, before I demanded the OLD drugs that have worked for like 30 years or so, and that worked for me! The new drugs, I think, are designed to kill us, or make us worse! Go for your writing. You write like a Rock Star!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I insisted on Lithium. My psych seemed surprised and like I was wonky, and I’m like “Why would I not want the gold standard, most tested, most used, oldest, and most highly rated bpd drug? ” I’m on Lithium, Lamictal and Risperdol and Ativan. I don’t have any particular feeling about them, except I can’t cry, which upsets me, I generally feel disconnected, which is not totally awful, oh and my moods still fluctuate constantly, so I don’t totally understand why I am on them, but no big deal! :/ hahahahahaha

        Thank you! that’s really nice of you to say, I seriously just want to make my dream come true, so ya know, keep writing.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. yeah, I wrote you now about taking that medicine from the Amazon. I reckon the Big Pharma shit don’t work, what’s there to lose? I’m looking into the cost of going. Because if this is life, you can have it!! Being positive and all is just peachy, till the brain lets loose with pulling a ‘gringe’ move, and then the shit falls down all over your head! Nah, fucked brain, need Amazon plants!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: